you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize