I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
