He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
