Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
