I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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