I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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