I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
