why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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