i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
