Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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