# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
