yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
