Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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