I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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