Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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