I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
