My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
