Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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