too bad you live with your parents still
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
