Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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