Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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