Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
