she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
