We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You may now shotgun with the bride
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
