I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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