Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
