she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
