i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
