if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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