sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
