Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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