I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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