Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Randomize
