I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
