This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
