Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
