you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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