That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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