im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
