Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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