Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
