you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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