you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
