how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
