I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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