I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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