Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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