Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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