There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
