i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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