I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
