I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize