remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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