And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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