What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I want her autograph on my taint
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
