Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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