i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
