I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
