are you so shy because you have an std?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
