i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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