Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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