where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
