I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
