Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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