Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
