drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
