oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
That's how pantless uber rides happen
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
